Insecurities.

We are not perfect.I believe that we are all made a certain way and that we should all just accept it. Not everyone does accept what they are there are people who struggle being themselves. Being comfortable in their own skin. I’ve always struggled with this to this day I still do. Ive was always been the skinny, thin and small, girl.. I used to not be girly but for some reason i still had the feeling I had to look prettier than all these other girls. I’ve always compare myself to other girls. I didn’t look like everybody else. I had veins going up my face. Boney fingers. There as been cases where teachers call me chicken legs, or they ask if i eat, if so what do I eat in a day. I wanted to gain weight at one point but after someone told me that I was putting in the weight i took it as if they were calling me fat. That’s where it all started. I would eat 1 to no meals a day. I didn’t like it. I would work out but that wasn’t helping. My body was giving in. I would try to eat more but i would just throw up all the food that barely went into my mouth. 

This summer I was at my lowest point, i’ve never been so skinny in my life.. My body weight was very, very low. Everybody would tell me I looked like a crackhead. I didn’t notice it. The way I saw myself was different from what I really looked like. I never had that gap in my thighs but for some reason I ended up having it. My energy was low I didn’t want to do anything but sleep. People say its because im too lazy or that I just don’t want to eat bc i chose to. To me it wasn’t at all like that. I didn’t choose not to eat. I wanted to eat but I couldn’t, I guess you could say that I was scared of it, I got tired of throwing up food. I was scared it would turn into something serious. 

All my life ive been skinny. But i got to the age where i didnt like it. I used to think i was perfect. There was nothing wrong with me. But as I got older I came to the realization that the only thing that is messed up is my mentality, where I stand, social media has messed everything up to me. Peoples comments is what messed me up. Thinking about what people think of me is what messed me up. I’m the one over here telling myself that it’s not that. That I shouldn’t care what people think of me because at the end of the day, those people are just behind a screen they aren’t real, they don’t pay my bills so why should I care what people think of me.